BigBonedMovie

I’m eating pizza at this very moment. So, if you’re looking for a “lift your spirits” post this is not the place for you today. So, I suggest finding a dark corner, hitting that fetal position and letting yourself drift into a wave of tears or pile of pizza. The choice is yours.

Mine was obviously pizza and it was delivered by the creepy Pizza Hut man only minutes ago. He seems to be the weekend guy and is always just a little too happy and chipper for my taste. I literally saw him getting out of his truck and thought “OH MAN, not him!” Can’t I just have a pimply-faced teen who doesn’t care? A kid who takes my money and doesn’t want to talk about how nice a day it is or what kind of fish I have in my pond? I’m ordering pizza, not a Disney after school special, and I just want to open my door, get a good five second glimpse of the outside world and snag my damn pizza. Too much to ask?

I’ve been kind of a hermit lately and it feels like I haven’t cooked since Satan was pushing God off the monkey bars. It’s not that I’m depressed or that I’ve even given up. I know I haven’t given up and since all the takeout peeps are starting to recognize me again I know that’s a sure sign I’m about to get my shit together . . . at least I hope so. It becomes a little weird when the Chinese lady starts to ask you specific questions about your order over the phone. “You no want Cherry Coke tonight? You always get Cherry Coke?”And then there’s always the underlying, hidden message in her voice . . . “THANK GOD HE’S BACK!!!! We won’t go out of business now!!!”

Anyway, I’ve mostly just been existing lately in a sea of takeout and fast food, which sucks and I’ve gained a little weight back . . . which sucks even more. But, the war is not yet over and I’m not giving up. I shall move forward and just hope something will soon fall out of the sky to save me . . . like a fairy godmother on steroids. That would totally rock, but in the meantime I am going to go outside and pull some weeds in my front yard. The neighborhood Lawn Nazis have been giving me dirty looks. UGH!

I might go get a few pink flamingos just to piss them off.

I wish I could post something like “WOW, I’ve discovered the secret of beating the food and have lost 100 pounds!!!” but I can’t. The battle still roars forward, and I’m just a low-ranking soldier. Some days I’m right there on the front lines, beating the shit out of it all . . . eating well, working out, patting myself on the back for the little things . . . and other days I’m lying in the piles of the defeated . . . eating fast food, feeling like crap, taking every opportunity to beat myself up for not being PERFECT. Yadda yadda . . . I know . . . perfection is overrated and even impossible, but the black and white thinking I’ve been cursed with isn’t the easiest to overcome.

I’ve felt pretty hopeless the last few weeks. It’s like I know I’m doing bad things and not giving a shit, but there’s a part of me that just wants it to end, and I wonder if my life has simply become a waiting process . . . waiting for a miracle . . . waiting for me to care about me . . . waiting to die? I just feel so defeated most of the time and really hate the thought of spending the rest of my life at war with myself. I know it all sounds crazy depressing, and I’m pretty sure people are really tired of hearing about my downer life. I know there are friends out there who really want to see me get my shit together and there are others who truly believe that it’s going to happen and others that are just sad for me.

I KNOW that I project a lot of things on people that they don’t really feel. I think people are tired of hearing about my weight issues. I think people have given up on me. I think they don’t give a shit anymore and, more importantly, I feel like I’ve let them down. I know most of that is bullshit. I know that it’s all in my head and that I need to take it easy . . . but I can’t help but wonder if any of this BS will ever go away.

To that end, I’ve been thinking about all the options lately. I’ve thought seriously about surgery again (but moved past it). I’ve thought about fasting. I’ve thought about exercising twelve hours a day and eating nothing but cabbage. I’ve had all the crazy thoughts and done all the crazy shite . . . and even sent in an audition tape to Biggest Loser. The last isn’t really crazy, and I’d jump at the opportunity without a thought, but it feels like another rung in the longshot ladder.

The simple truth is that I want to CHANGE and am desperate for it. I just have to find myself first and doing that is proving the biggest task of all.

Oh well . . . time for some cabbage.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again . . . the mind is an evil wench! It lies and cheats and convinces you that “You should start tomorrow or, hell, wait until Monday!” We’ve all been there, and we all know how easy it is to look to the future for answers. Eat the cake now and be the perfect, healthy version of yourself later. I’ve been in this little cycle for the last couple of days and it’s definitely in my nature to struggle before taking the reins back.

I have a tendency to listen to that little voice. I dance with it. I give it a little kiss on the cheek. We’re practically dating, and I usually wait until tomorrow and then wait until the tomorrow that follows tomorrow and then one of two things happen . . . I fall down the hill like a cookie-stuffed rag doll or I make the realization that tomorrow is never going to come and I get my shit together . . . again.

Happily, tomorrow was yesterday and the shit has been collectively gotten together. So, no rag doll this time, even though February almost got the best of me . . . but she’s not over yet!

February 25, 2008 - Monday
9:30 - 1 Banana
12:30 - 1 Apple
3:00 - 1 Banana
7:30 - ½ Fuji Apple Salad, ½ Turkey Bravo Sandwich from Panera
10:00 - 2 servings of Low Fat Ice Cream

Only Water to Drink
Total Calories – 1400

It’s Thursday, and I am happy to report that I’m running at about 95%. I can breathe. I can taste. I am not leaking all over the place. I’m pretty close to healthy and feeling SOOOO much better. It took a visit to the doctor and some prescription drugs to knock the funk out of me, and I’ve struggled to get back on track for the last couple of days, but I’ll earn my first NEW X on the bathroom calendar tonight. It’s been a little over a week since I’ve marked an official X and it feels strange to be excited about such a thing, but I am. Hehe.

I have been, for some reason, feeling detached from life lately. I don’t know why I go through these phases. I’m up and then I’m down and then I’m great for a while, etc. etc. Does everybody go through this or am I “special?” It’s not like I’m crazy depressed or anything. It feels more like a lack of emotion and I find myself in a bit of a limbo. It always goes away and it definitely helps when I start to focus more on myself. I just think it’s so strange how I go through these cycles, feeling things that, for the most part, aren’t real. Does that make sense or am I just spewing depressive BS?

I do believe that I’m on the edge of huge changes in my life and there’s a part of me that’s frightened by it all. I guess that’s normal and inevitable. I just have to keep pressing forward, steering away from fast food and evil delights. Hehe. I can do it. Change is an amazing thing if you’re brave enough to let it happen. If Peter Brady can do it . . . so can I!

Today’s Damage . . .

February 21, 2008 – Thursday
11:00 1 Banana
2:30 Snack Mix
5:00 1 bowl of Lucky Charms
7:30 1 bowl of Lucky Charms
9:00 Chicken with Barbeque
10:30 Snack Mix

Only Water to Drink

Total Calories – 1520

Taste buds gone again.
Sick.
Tired.
Made Doctor’s appointment.
UGH!
Enough said!

I just went to the kitchen, grabbed a granola bar and, as I peeled off the wrapper, I SMELLED IT! Yes, I smelled my granola!!!! Sounds crazy and insignificant, but if I could smell it . . . did that mean I could . . . dare I ask . . . TASTE it? The thought flashing through my mind like a giant Vegas sign, I took a bite and a flood of fantastic granola goodness tore through my mouth and it was one of the best things I’ve ever experienced. I never imagined I’d be standing in my kitchen with my eyes closed, savoring the taste of a granola bar, but there I was . . . and it was AWESOME!

This is good news in the war against germs. I can smell! I can taste! I am getting better! I’d be outside screaming it to the world if it wasn’t so cold and I wasn’t almost assured a relapse. I am hoping tomorrow I’ll be back to 100%, but just because I can taste doesn’t mean I can use this new power for evil. It all goes back to what Ben Parker said to Peter about becoming Spiderman . . . “With great power comes great responsibility.” So, I can’t go using my taste buds for the wrong reasons . . . unless I want to be a super fat super villain.

It’s really strange, but even sitting here now, I’m amazed by how much I’ve learned by simply not being able to taste food for a week. Sounds so incredibly simple, but it made a HUGE impact on me.

I also weighed today and came in at 328 . . . four more pounds gone! I’ll start hitting the food journals again tomorrow and try to get back into exercise as soon as I’m at one hundred percent! I know the exercise is going to be a huge asset.

I’ve been crazy sick all week. Chest. Nasal. Throat. You name it. I’ve got it.

I’m leaking all over the place, had fevers and sleeping under a pile of blankets you just wouldn’t believe. I also had to direct two shoots while sick and that was really hard with this funk hanging over me. My brain was completely NOT firing properly, and I honestly don’t remember most of the last two days, but I am COMPLETELY thankful for April, Randy, Julee, Michelle and Heidi for picking up my excessive flu-ridden slack.

One of the oddest things I’ve been dealing with is not being able to taste food. Everything I eat has absolutely NO taste and even textures aren’t really coming through. It’s made me really take a step back and look at WHY I eat or more accurately, why I crave food. I even ate a cookie at the shoot yesterday and couldn’t taste it at all, and came away with “Why the hell would I eat it if I can’t taste it? Do I normally eat for the full stomach feeling or the taste?” It was easy to come to the quick conclusion that if I couldn’t taste it, there’s no point and I am totally addicted to the taste. I hate to admit it, but I almost get a high off the way food tastes and without that TASTE there’s really nothing in it for me . . . other than the whole “keeping me alive” aspect of it all. Hehe. I guess I should be eating nothing but broccoli and wheat curd right now, huh?

Last night I was even lying on the couch, after not eating much all day, and I suddenly though about ordering a pizza or some Chinese. Then, I thought “What’s the point? I can’t freakin’ taste it!” So, I didn’t. It was that easy, and it became even more clear that food somehow makes me high . . . the textures . . . the sweetness . . . the simple taste of it all. That’s what I crave and that’s definitely what I’m addicted to. After that, because of how my brain works, I was getting a little freaked out. What if my taste buds never come back? What if I was like this forever? OH CRAP! It would be the greatest diet of all time . . . but man would it suck!

Thankfully, I’m starting to feel a little better and took the time to clean my house, trying to get rid of any lingering germs. I’m sure the house is swimming with them, but every little bit counts and, at this point, I’m truly desperate to just be HEALTHY again. This is the funk that won’t go away, and I just want my taste back! Is that so much to ask?

The good news is that I haven’t been eating much at all because I’ve been lying around in a pool of my own fluids for seven days with the taste buds of a Muppet. Yesterday, all I ate was a cookie, a piece of chicken, a bite of a roll and some orange juice. Today hasn’t been any more eventful . . . some juice, a banana and some pita and hummus . . . all of which I still cannot taste. Sigh. I’m really hoping that I haven’t been cursed by some kind of monkey’s paw backfired wish to not enjoy food anymore. I mean I’m sick, but that would just be TRULY SICK and very wrong.

Hopefully, tomorrow, I’ll be able to TASTE again. So simple . . . but so so sweet. Puts the whole “be careful what you wish for” into perspective, huh?

I proved tonight that I CAN go to a movie and not eat food and STILL have a good time. WEIRD! I actually went to see a film a couple of my friends made, and I have to say it was quite remarkable. It’s titled Uncounted-The New Math of American Elections and is a documentary focusing on voting fraud and other such topics in national elections. It kind of got me all riled up and, if you’re interested in such films, you should really check it out. It’s totally worth it!!!

Monday 2/4
11:00 - 2 Servings of Captain Crunch
2:00 - Chicken with Barbeque, mixed green salad
5:00 - Chicken with Barbeque
8:30 - Three servings Ice Cream
10:00 - Soy Chips

Only Water to Drink
Total Calories – 1520

January has come and gone, and I’ve decided to do kind of a monthly wrap-up as I move through 2008. Like is said, it’s all about KEEPING IT REAL, a full monty of sorts, but not the bad kind. Trust me, you still don’t want to see this without a shirt, but the day will come! So be prepared. Hehe. Might sound a bit anal, but I think this is way more for my mental well-being than anything else. I really want to make this year different and the only way to do that is to continue to stay on top of things. The minute I ease up is the minute I begin to slack off and then CRAZY ME takes control and the next thing you know I’m ordering for a family of three at the local Sonic.

Overall, I freakin’ ROCKED January! I had way more good days than bad and lost eighteen pounds by the end! Things were a little bumpy at the beginning, but that seems to be a pattern for me. February is proving to be the same, but after a hard weekend I’ve bounced back and am now back on target. I’m definitely going to fold the exercise into the plan this month and continue pushing forward with the food and just trying to be a kind, better person overall . . . especially where I am concerned.

Below, I’ve posted a photo of my bathroom calendar. You’ll see how I mark everyday, including weigh-ins, etc. An “X” marks a great food day, when I was in a calorie deficit for the day. You’ll also see free days and a couple of bad days (which have no X’s at all). Bad days happen . . . much like shit . . . and I’ve come to the conclusion that they will always be there, lingering in the shadows. But, like I said, January was a bitchin’ month and I’m proud of myself for everything I accomplished. It’s only going to get better from here!!!

I made the decision a long time ago that I was not going to be that preachy person who was for or against weight surgery. I’m sure it’s changed many lives for the better, but I also know that a lot of people struggle even after they have the surgery. For myself, even though I’ve been tempted more times than I can count, I decided not to have surgery. I could alter my body, but if I didn’t alter my life nothing would change, and I’d balloon back up eventually. That’s the cold reality. I’m a true believer that I’m fat because of what’s going on in my head, and if I don’t fix that first nothing else will ever fall into place.

That said, I’m sitting here watching Oprah and have to admit that I am a little disturbed . . . well, a lot disturbed. Today’s show focused on teenagers and the parents who allowed their children, as young as thirteen, to have gastric bypass surgery. My first thought was, “ARE THEY OUT OF THEIR FREAKIN’ MINDS?” Of course, I understand and probably would have killed for a magical surgery to fix all my teen angst, but even as a teen (when I thought I was crazy fat) I really wasn’t. Sure, I was always chubby, but was nothing compared to what I became.

I just don’t think parents should allow this. Children are not mentally capable of knowing what the repercussions of a surgery like this would be. It’s hard enough growing up much less having to deal with the decision of altering their bodies forever. This surgery isn’t reversible. They will be living with this decision for the rest of their lives, and even though their parents felt they were doing the right thing . . . I just think it’s insane.

Obesity is an epidemic, and I hate to imagine that we are living in a world where people will cut into their kids before teaching them how to change their lives. Has the conveyor belt already been turned on? I am simply amazed this is going on and hope we can become a society that teaches children to love themselves enough to take care of their bodies as opposed to a society that teaches children to alter themselves . . . so drastically . . . in order to fit into a cookie cutter for the school bully.

Kudos to Oprah for bringing this to light. I think people need eye-openers like this to understand where we’re really headed.